What a week. The last couple of days were really difficult for me. I began to worry that I was truly dealing with depression. I just wanted to sleep, and I felt so exhausted--physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually--yet couldn't get any quality rest. The fact that Mother's Day ended up being a depressing day for me was totally unexpected. I felt as if I had faced the trial of losing a child and had, in a sense, "passed the test." My heart and my mind know that God is in control, He has a plan for my life, He has a reason for everything, etc. So when I found myself lapsing into uncontrollable sobs the last couple of mornings, I couldn't understand myself. Why is it so hard--still?
Thankfully Ted and I were finally able to talk last night. My poor husband. There are things about me that he will never understand, and I guess I just have to accept that. He really does try. The fact that he accepts and loves me no matter which way my mood swings speaks volumes.
So this morning I am still struggling with extreme exhaustion, but I'm not out of control emotionally. I'm somber, maybe a bit melancholy, but (I hope) I am past the difficult part--for now. I've learned from the last few days that I have little control over how (and when) difficult circumstances affect me, and I just need to accept the pain and grief, deal with them with the Lord's help, and be ready to move on after giving myself the time I need to work through things.