May 17, 2006


What a week. The last couple of days were really difficult for me. I began to worry that I was truly dealing with depression. I just wanted to sleep, and I felt so exhausted--physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually--yet couldn't get any quality rest. The fact that Mother's Day ended up being a depressing day for me was totally unexpected. I felt as if I had faced the trial of losing a child and had, in a sense, "passed the test." My heart and my mind know that God is in control, He has a plan for my life, He has a reason for everything, etc. So when I found myself lapsing into uncontrollable sobs the last couple of mornings, I couldn't understand myself. Why is it so hard--still?

Thankfully Ted and I were finally able to talk last night. My poor husband. There are things about me that he will never understand, and I guess I just have to accept that. He really does try. The fact that he accepts and loves me no matter which way my mood swings speaks volumes.

So this morning I am still struggling with extreme exhaustion, but I'm not out of control emotionally. I'm somber, maybe a bit melancholy, but (I hope) I am past the difficult part--for now. I've learned from the last few days that I have little control over how (and when) difficult circumstances affect me, and I just need to accept the pain and grief, deal with them with the Lord's help, and be ready to move on after giving myself the time I need to work through things.

1 comment:

Shannon said...

Thinking about you, Beverly! I've had many of the same emotions. It surprised me how quickly they could come and how strong they were. They also usually came out of the blue, being triggered by the seemingly smallest thing. Things are much better now and I've learned a lot through the experience of our miscarriage, but it certainly was NOT a very pleasant time in my life.