I guess I should just be thankful that these days have been coming fewer and farther between...sure seems like we had a plethora of them at the beginning of this deployment. Maybe I'm just in such a fog with a lack of sleep that I don't get as fired up as quickly! But tonight I'm just...exhausted. And feeling so full of guilt and shame over my mommy meltdowns.
I know I would still struggle with sin with my husband present. I can't excuse my lack of patience, gentleness, kindness, or self-control just because I'm a single parent. Priscilla Shirer, in her Jonah study, gave the analogy that if one is holding a glass of water and someone shakes the arm holding the glass, water spills out because...that's what is in the glass. When we are "shaken" by life's storms, what is inside of us will spill out. Unfortunately, it's all too obvious that too much of my sinful, selfish nature is still raging inside of me. I'm so thankful for God's grace and His Holy Spirit...without Him, I truly could do nothing, let alone anything good.
So on days like today--when I went running hither and yon with two kids at dental appointments and another one at a well-baby check-up; when I nearly fell asleep reading to the little ones at only 11 am; when I had to Google "How to clean poop off a couch;" when the little ones dragged outside toys inside the house, resulting in a pine needle anointing of all the carpet in the library and family room; when no one is listening to me, let alone obeying me; when Zaden wakes an hour before I expect him to during every feeding cycle; when I'm nursing the baby on one hand and trying to clear counter space with the other; when I walk into my room to find every drawer pulled all the way out and my bed completely rearranged; when I'm dealing with a host of other, non-life-threatening-but-still-frustrating situations--it's times like that when I simply have to surrender my all: my thoughts, my attitudes, my words, my actions...and trust that God can make something beautiful of this mess.
2 comments:
Dear Beverly,
I recently had a "mommy meltdown" during homeschooling with my "less-than-enthusiastic" student. I immediately felt guilty and had to apologize for not using my "self control". I can feel the exasperation as I read this entry. We will be continuing to pray for you.
It must be a day for "Mommy Melt downs"!!! I too had a very difficult day with Kyle and my glass was spilling out less than godly water all day!!! (that demo that Priscilla did in the Jonah study was very convicting for me!) I hate when I know how I SHOULD be reacting to my teen when he is difficult, but my emotions take over and I fall back into the same sin issues over and over. It makes me feel better to know that if YOU (one of the most Godly women I know) are having problems with this...than maybe I'm not too bad of a mom after all!! You are doing an amazing job with the kids and I will be praying that there will be more good days than bad in the upcoming days and months. BTW, Zaden is just adorable. I LOVE his big expressive eyes.
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