This is my would-be Mother's Day post, one week delayed. :-) First, I'd love to invite you to take some time to read this excellent post on Annette's blog. Ever since I read it, I've wanted to share it on my blog as well--I think the concept is one I've also had on my heart but have been unable to put words to, just as Annette wrote about. The article she copied is a challenging and convicting one, and I've thought about it a lot since I read it a couple of months ago.
So it was fresh on my mind when I attended Barb Cash's excellent session with the same title as this blog post at the homeschool convention. I really enjoyed what she had to say and wish it had worked out for me to attend other sessions she gave, but I was thankful for what God allowed me to hear at this one. I took notes, but they are quite random; still, I think they may bless and encourage others as well, so here are some things I wrote down, along with a few of my own comments.
"We need to sense there is worth and purpose in our work. Otherwise it becomes a series of obligations that weave a ho-hum tapestry of life." Isn't that true? If we are not absolutely convinced that God has called us to an INCREDIBLE ministry as wives and mothers, we can all too easily fall into the trap of not only feeling frustrated and discouraged at the difficulties we encounter, but also even bitterness and resentment. It's far too easy to underestimate how valuable it really is that we are changing diapers and caring for little ones.
I am the ONLY one that God has called to be Ted's wife and the mother of Charis, Tobin, Arden, Kenna, and Lucan! No one else can do this job--it is mine alone for as long as God grants me life on this earth! Say that to yourself with the names of the precious ones God has given YOU, and thank Him for the privilege of being called to such a unique place.
Barb read a quote from an old Betty Crocker cookbook that talked about how women could "minister to loved ones by cooking them good food." Though you may not find such language in modern cookbooks, it is interesting that not too long ago a domestic chore was spoken of in a secular book as being "ministry." And truly, isn't that what we do, ladies? Every day!
1 Timothy 6:6 speaks to the issue of contentment--Godliness WITH contentment is a means of great gain. Be careful not to let a root of discontent grow in your heart.
One of the difficulties of being a SAHM (stay-at-home mom), especially a homeschooling mom, is dealing with interruptions. Barb said flat out that interruptions ARE life! We can't wait for the perfect week or even the perfect day--we will always deal with interruptions, and our attitude toward them goes a long way in determining whether we are content or not. Hold loosely to your plans, she encouraged!
So, how CAN we be content when things don't go according to plan? One big factor according to Barb is to find joy in the simple things. Otherwise, the extraordinary becomes the standard, and how can you maintain THAT?! A plain and simple life is a full life. Sometimes it's as simple as changing your perspective. Choose to think of your role as a holy privilege: I "get" to share life with 6 messy people! Rejoice, mess and all!
We CAN have a heavenly perspective on our earthly lives. Living in the Spirit allows us to experience so much more freedom and joy than living in the flesh. It is more important to have influence than control--what a challenging concept!
Showing posts with label Homeschool Convention. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Homeschool Convention. Show all posts
May 16, 2010
May 07, 2010
Teaching Boys...Part 2
In the previous post about this topic, we looked at some neurological and physiological differences between boys and girls. From there, Mr. Pudewa went on to talk about four forms of relevancy and how to connect boys in particular with topics of study. Beginning with the best form of relevancy:
1. Intrinsic Relevancy.
This revolves around a boy's natural interest. (Think knives and swords, LOL.) Go deep and learn a lot about less--don't cover the bases! Otherwise you'll be two miles wide and one inch deep and know nothing about everything. Capitalize on a student's interest and give him increasing freedom to study what he's passionate about. (After all--isn't this one of the reasons many of us homeschool?!)
2. Inspired Relevancy.
Someone you know and love is interested in a topic. Connect kids with people who are passionate about other things. If I'm not excited about a subject, I need to introduce my kids to someone who is.
3. Contrived Relevancy.
You have to do it anyway (such as learning math facts), so you make it into a game. Think of the difference between these two sets of instructions:
A. Underline the 17 prepositional phrases in the following paragraph.
B. Find all the prepositional phrases hidden in this paragraph and you WIN!
A game is an economic system. Rules for an effective game:
A. You have to be able to win.
B. It has to have a potential gain AND a potential loss.
A good example he gave was a 100 Days Chart. This is working toward 100 days in a row of practicing a skill. (His example was practicing an instrument.) Once 100 days are complete, the student earns a prize--that is the potential gain. If the student misses a day, he must start over from day 1! No reminders are allowed! This is the potential loss.
In regard to possible concerns about whether this is bribery, he noted that bribery is illegal or immoral, but a system that gives external acknowledgment is OK. He likens it to receiving a paycheck for work well done.
4. Enforced Relevancy.
Obviously, this is the lowest level of relevancy and the most difficult to work with. A few notes here: Children LIKE to do what they are good at doing. Give them opportunities to keep improving. They also want to do what they THINK they CAN do. On the other hand, they hate to do and refuse to do what they believe they cannot do. A recommended resource here was The Myth of Laziness by Mel Levine.
TWO SECRET WEAPONS:
1. Emotional Bank Account--Keep it full, and live off the interest (said Dr. Suzuki). Making a correction, then, does not deplete from the principal. Keep score, literally! Say 10 positive things before saying a negative. NOT false praise--acknowledge the positive. Then, they trust you and believe you when you must correct them.
2. You must communicate that you love and appreciate your child! Otherwise, the lesson won't stick. A smile communicates mutual respect. Why can we be unconditionally loving and accepting of other people but don't communicate that with our kids?! All too often we assume the attitude, "I love you and you love me, now get to work!" Ouch! That hurt! I know I've been guilty of being too work/results-oriented.
Hope these notes were helpful for someone! They are a good reminder for me.
1. Intrinsic Relevancy.
This revolves around a boy's natural interest. (Think knives and swords, LOL.) Go deep and learn a lot about less--don't cover the bases! Otherwise you'll be two miles wide and one inch deep and know nothing about everything. Capitalize on a student's interest and give him increasing freedom to study what he's passionate about. (After all--isn't this one of the reasons many of us homeschool?!)
2. Inspired Relevancy.
Someone you know and love is interested in a topic. Connect kids with people who are passionate about other things. If I'm not excited about a subject, I need to introduce my kids to someone who is.
3. Contrived Relevancy.
You have to do it anyway (such as learning math facts), so you make it into a game. Think of the difference between these two sets of instructions:
A. Underline the 17 prepositional phrases in the following paragraph.
B. Find all the prepositional phrases hidden in this paragraph and you WIN!
A game is an economic system. Rules for an effective game:
A. You have to be able to win.
B. It has to have a potential gain AND a potential loss.
A good example he gave was a 100 Days Chart. This is working toward 100 days in a row of practicing a skill. (His example was practicing an instrument.) Once 100 days are complete, the student earns a prize--that is the potential gain. If the student misses a day, he must start over from day 1! No reminders are allowed! This is the potential loss.
In regard to possible concerns about whether this is bribery, he noted that bribery is illegal or immoral, but a system that gives external acknowledgment is OK. He likens it to receiving a paycheck for work well done.
4. Enforced Relevancy.
Obviously, this is the lowest level of relevancy and the most difficult to work with. A few notes here: Children LIKE to do what they are good at doing. Give them opportunities to keep improving. They also want to do what they THINK they CAN do. On the other hand, they hate to do and refuse to do what they believe they cannot do. A recommended resource here was The Myth of Laziness by Mel Levine.
TWO SECRET WEAPONS:
1. Emotional Bank Account--Keep it full, and live off the interest (said Dr. Suzuki). Making a correction, then, does not deplete from the principal. Keep score, literally! Say 10 positive things before saying a negative. NOT false praise--acknowledge the positive. Then, they trust you and believe you when you must correct them.
2. You must communicate that you love and appreciate your child! Otherwise, the lesson won't stick. A smile communicates mutual respect. Why can we be unconditionally loving and accepting of other people but don't communicate that with our kids?! All too often we assume the attitude, "I love you and you love me, now get to work!" Ouch! That hurt! I know I've been guilty of being too work/results-oriented.
Hope these notes were helpful for someone! They are a good reminder for me.
April 29, 2010
Teaching Boys & Other Kids Who Would Rather Build Forts All Day
This was one of my favorite sessions from the homeschool convention. Andrew Pudewa is an amazing, engaging speaker, and I already look forward to going to more of his sessions in the future.
The first part of the topic centered on neurological differences between boys and girls and how that relates to those of us trying to teach them. I took lots of notes during this session, so I may break this up into a couple of different posts. Don't assume that this is boring--it's actually quite fascinating! And if you're a mom/teacher of boys, I'm sure a lot of this isn't going to be news, but I really loved learning that there is concrete evidence for some of the things we intuitively know!
[ETA: Mr. Pudewa referenced a book called Why Gender Matters by Dr. Sax for the following information. He did give a caveat, saying that the research is very good and solid, but be aware, should you choose to read the book, that the worldview is not a Christian one, so there will be some differences if you are coming from that perspective.]
1. Boys hear differently than girls.
Boys' ears do not detect softer sounds as well as girls' ears--in other words, they literally do hear differently! So you know those annoying little taps and other noises boys make when they are supposed to be reading, writing, or listening? The ones that drive their moms and sisters crazy (or teachers, if they are in a classroom)? Boys don't even realize they are doing it! Take a boy sitting in the back of a classroom with a soft-spoken female teacher...he is back there tapping and banging away, literally trying to keep himself from dying of boredom because he can't hear what's going on!
2. Boys see differently than girls.
The optic nerve in females has more cells connected to cones; in men, the optic nerve has more cells connected to rods. This means that women see colors and textures better, while men see action and speed better. (This so explains card-making and the Super Bowl!) Even newborns are more able to detect this information, depending on whether they are male or female.
Boys draw verbs. Give kids time to draw, and the boys will come up with pictures depicting arrows flying, rockets blasting off, etc. They will probably only use one crayon. Girls, on the other hand, draw nouns. Houses, flowers, ponies, rainbows. So typically teachers will respond to the girls' drawings more favorably--it's easier to figure out what a girl has drawn, and she uses lots of colors. On the other hand, an adult usually has to ask a boy to explain his drawing (unless, like Tobin, he labels everything in the picture!)
When it comes to writing, boys use verbs and adverbs, while girls use nouns and adjectives. If you ask a boy, "Would you like me to help you add more detail to this paragraph?" he'll say, "Naw, I'm good." But if you ask him, "Would you like me to help you add more action?" he'll be more likely to continue writing!
3. Boys respond to stress differently than girls.
Fascinating--did you know the "fight or flight" response is true only of MALE animals? All the tests were done on male animals. Know why? Because all the females had too many hormones raging! Female animals all respond to stress by hiding.
Males regulate stress by standing up and moving around and by being in cooler temperatures. So when we tell boys, "Sit down and work on this hard math page!" we are giving them conflicting messages! Studies done have shown that gender-separated classrooms that allow boys to move freely (chairs optional) have much better results compared to mixed classrooms in which boys have to sit and behave the way that comes naturally to girls.
Females best regulate stress by lying still and getting warmer. If a girl is stressed, often you first have to find her! They are often hiding under blankets. (I had to laugh at this, because it's definitely true of my Charis.)
So now the thermostat wars are explained! 68 degrees is optimal for boys; 75 degrees for girls.
4. Boys react differently to pain than girls do.
When men experience pain, there is an increase in blood flow to their cortex. This allows them to have clarity--it helps in battle, yes? One wants our soldiers to be able to think clearly despite pain. When women experience pain, however, there is a decrease in blood flow to their cortex. It's that fuzzy feeling that allows for the survival of our species--if we remembered the pain of childbirth, we would never truly want to repeat it!
An interesting factoid to close with, and then I'll finish posting the rest of the notes at another time. Scientific studies about these neurological differences showed them to hold true across the board, no matter what age or what "orientation" participants claimed to be. Males responded one way, females another. More proof that God created us perfectly for the roles He wants us to fulfill!
The first part of the topic centered on neurological differences between boys and girls and how that relates to those of us trying to teach them. I took lots of notes during this session, so I may break this up into a couple of different posts. Don't assume that this is boring--it's actually quite fascinating! And if you're a mom/teacher of boys, I'm sure a lot of this isn't going to be news, but I really loved learning that there is concrete evidence for some of the things we intuitively know!
[ETA: Mr. Pudewa referenced a book called Why Gender Matters by Dr. Sax for the following information. He did give a caveat, saying that the research is very good and solid, but be aware, should you choose to read the book, that the worldview is not a Christian one, so there will be some differences if you are coming from that perspective.]
1. Boys hear differently than girls.
Boys' ears do not detect softer sounds as well as girls' ears--in other words, they literally do hear differently! So you know those annoying little taps and other noises boys make when they are supposed to be reading, writing, or listening? The ones that drive their moms and sisters crazy (or teachers, if they are in a classroom)? Boys don't even realize they are doing it! Take a boy sitting in the back of a classroom with a soft-spoken female teacher...he is back there tapping and banging away, literally trying to keep himself from dying of boredom because he can't hear what's going on!
2. Boys see differently than girls.
The optic nerve in females has more cells connected to cones; in men, the optic nerve has more cells connected to rods. This means that women see colors and textures better, while men see action and speed better. (This so explains card-making and the Super Bowl!) Even newborns are more able to detect this information, depending on whether they are male or female.
Boys draw verbs. Give kids time to draw, and the boys will come up with pictures depicting arrows flying, rockets blasting off, etc. They will probably only use one crayon. Girls, on the other hand, draw nouns. Houses, flowers, ponies, rainbows. So typically teachers will respond to the girls' drawings more favorably--it's easier to figure out what a girl has drawn, and she uses lots of colors. On the other hand, an adult usually has to ask a boy to explain his drawing (unless, like Tobin, he labels everything in the picture!)
When it comes to writing, boys use verbs and adverbs, while girls use nouns and adjectives. If you ask a boy, "Would you like me to help you add more detail to this paragraph?" he'll say, "Naw, I'm good." But if you ask him, "Would you like me to help you add more action?" he'll be more likely to continue writing!
3. Boys respond to stress differently than girls.
Fascinating--did you know the "fight or flight" response is true only of MALE animals? All the tests were done on male animals. Know why? Because all the females had too many hormones raging! Female animals all respond to stress by hiding.
Males regulate stress by standing up and moving around and by being in cooler temperatures. So when we tell boys, "Sit down and work on this hard math page!" we are giving them conflicting messages! Studies done have shown that gender-separated classrooms that allow boys to move freely (chairs optional) have much better results compared to mixed classrooms in which boys have to sit and behave the way that comes naturally to girls.
Females best regulate stress by lying still and getting warmer. If a girl is stressed, often you first have to find her! They are often hiding under blankets. (I had to laugh at this, because it's definitely true of my Charis.)
So now the thermostat wars are explained! 68 degrees is optimal for boys; 75 degrees for girls.
4. Boys react differently to pain than girls do.
When men experience pain, there is an increase in blood flow to their cortex. This allows them to have clarity--it helps in battle, yes? One wants our soldiers to be able to think clearly despite pain. When women experience pain, however, there is a decrease in blood flow to their cortex. It's that fuzzy feeling that allows for the survival of our species--if we remembered the pain of childbirth, we would never truly want to repeat it!
An interesting factoid to close with, and then I'll finish posting the rest of the notes at another time. Scientific studies about these neurological differences showed them to hold true across the board, no matter what age or what "orientation" participants claimed to be. Males responded one way, females another. More proof that God created us perfectly for the roles He wants us to fulfill!
April 27, 2010
Rebuilding a Concept of Virtuous Boyhood
The second session I attended at the homeschool convention was given by Doug Phillips from Vision Forum. What follows in this post are the notes I took from his session, which was in a very large room in which every chair was filled. Heather and I had to sit on the floor, in fact. So obviously it was a well-received topic! But unfortunately I was unable to see the Power Point slides that went along with his presentation, so my notes are probably not as organized as they could have been. As before, I will simply bullet the points.
* Like it or not, we are in an entertainment-driven culture full of ungodly violence, role reversals, and a watering down of the family.
* Boys are supposed to act like men!
* The modern priority for boys is to feed the flesh. Boys do not identify with their fathers--instead, they identify with rock stars, sports stars, and peer groups.
* Culture is religion externalized. We have an immature culture.
* Much of the communication in our culture is "verbal vomit," or inarticulate speech full of slang, verbal pauses, "like, you know, whatever and stuff."
* Noble boyhood involves relating properly to girls as sisters in Christ. Virtuous boys/men are protectors and defenders of women and sons of the King.
* Our culture is full of indecisive men who are molly-cuddled.
* Our mission: To train our boys to be mighty men of God. This involves 1) Sonship, 2) Nobility, 3) Wisdom, and 4) Dominion. (An example here is Captain John Smith.)
* Doctrine of Manliness: This involves the blessed man, the upright man, and another adjective man that I didn't catch. His point came from several Scriptures where men were exhorted to "be a man," or "brace yourself like a man," etc. (Examples: David speaking on his deathbed to Solomon, God answering Job out of the storm.)
* Duty is a guiding light for true manliness. It involves self-sacrifice for the weak, principle, and faith that overcomes fear.
* Quote from Teddy Roosevelt: "It is not the critic who counts...[much more than I could get]...the credit belongs to the man in the arena."
* Dare greatly! Peace? Ease? Entertainment? Fantasy? Is this what we are raising our boys for? If so, they will not be engaged in the world of work. Work, business, cause of Christ--this is what they need to strive for.
* Dream noble dreams for the real world.
* Sons: Do something important with your life! At age 15-16, sons should be thinking of themselves as men.
* Even at a young age on earth, Christ was about His Father's business.
* Another example: David. He spent most of his time AWAY from peer groups. His time was invested in hard work. He gained excellence in the Christian culture from an early age. He was about his father's business, and as he worked, both recreation and work became his physical salvation and prepared him for his work as a man. He played a harp, but he was also a warrior.
* Language--(remember the aforementioned "verbal vomit?!")--We need to get back to a language of honor and respect. Sons need to show honor and respect to fathers, but also it should go the other way: "This is my son, with whom I am well pleased."
* Self-discipline in language--use complete sentences! Make your words count. Watch the books you read! (Or let your boys read...)
* Then he talked a bit about developing a library of good literature to inspire boys and referenced Robert Ballantyne and G.A. Henty books. He said, "Boys need to encounter risks." Also, "How a boy responds to history helps to define his perspective about himself."
So, note to self...we need to check out those books! I've heard of the Henty books but not the Ballantyne ones. I think the Henty books are a little above where our boys are right now, but they are definitely on my list for future reading for our family!
* Like it or not, we are in an entertainment-driven culture full of ungodly violence, role reversals, and a watering down of the family.
* Boys are supposed to act like men!
* The modern priority for boys is to feed the flesh. Boys do not identify with their fathers--instead, they identify with rock stars, sports stars, and peer groups.
* Culture is religion externalized. We have an immature culture.
* Much of the communication in our culture is "verbal vomit," or inarticulate speech full of slang, verbal pauses, "like, you know, whatever and stuff."
* Noble boyhood involves relating properly to girls as sisters in Christ. Virtuous boys/men are protectors and defenders of women and sons of the King.
* Our culture is full of indecisive men who are molly-cuddled.
* Our mission: To train our boys to be mighty men of God. This involves 1) Sonship, 2) Nobility, 3) Wisdom, and 4) Dominion. (An example here is Captain John Smith.)
* Doctrine of Manliness: This involves the blessed man, the upright man, and another adjective man that I didn't catch. His point came from several Scriptures where men were exhorted to "be a man," or "brace yourself like a man," etc. (Examples: David speaking on his deathbed to Solomon, God answering Job out of the storm.)
* Duty is a guiding light for true manliness. It involves self-sacrifice for the weak, principle, and faith that overcomes fear.
* Quote from Teddy Roosevelt: "It is not the critic who counts...[much more than I could get]...the credit belongs to the man in the arena."
* Dare greatly! Peace? Ease? Entertainment? Fantasy? Is this what we are raising our boys for? If so, they will not be engaged in the world of work. Work, business, cause of Christ--this is what they need to strive for.
* Dream noble dreams for the real world.
* Sons: Do something important with your life! At age 15-16, sons should be thinking of themselves as men.
* Even at a young age on earth, Christ was about His Father's business.
* Another example: David. He spent most of his time AWAY from peer groups. His time was invested in hard work. He gained excellence in the Christian culture from an early age. He was about his father's business, and as he worked, both recreation and work became his physical salvation and prepared him for his work as a man. He played a harp, but he was also a warrior.
* Language--(remember the aforementioned "verbal vomit?!")--We need to get back to a language of honor and respect. Sons need to show honor and respect to fathers, but also it should go the other way: "This is my son, with whom I am well pleased."
* Self-discipline in language--use complete sentences! Make your words count. Watch the books you read! (Or let your boys read...)
* Then he talked a bit about developing a library of good literature to inspire boys and referenced Robert Ballantyne and G.A. Henty books. He said, "Boys need to encounter risks." Also, "How a boy responds to history helps to define his perspective about himself."
So, note to self...we need to check out those books! I've heard of the Henty books but not the Ballantyne ones. I think the Henty books are a little above where our boys are right now, but they are definitely on my list for future reading for our family!
April 18, 2010
Dr. John Rosemond at the Homeschool Convention
In a series of posts that may or may not be consecutive and that may or may not be finished before next month, I will attempt to share some of my notes from the homeschool convention in an effort to allow my brain to mull over the concepts again and, prayerfully, to be a blessing to any other parents who may be able to glean some nuggets of wisdom and encouragement on any of these topics.
Ted and I both attended two sessions with Dr. Rosemond as the speaker. If you are unfamiliar with this man, I highly recommend checking out his books. I started reading his weekly columns in the Dayton Daily News when we first lived in Ohio and was impressed by his no-nonsense approach to parenting. I wasn't sure at the time but wondered if he might be a Christian. He mentioned during one of the sessions that he became a Bible-believing Christian 10 years ago, so his words as a Christian psychologist carry more weight with me, especially since he says he retains his credentials as a psychologist in order to obtain credibility with parents--he pretty much feels that psychology is a bunch of hooey. :-)
Rather than try to reproduce his talks in written form, I'll just bullet my notes.
* "High self-esteem seizure" - This was his phrase for a temper tantrum. I just thought it was funny. :-)
* Children need love and leadership. Leadership is acting like you know what you're doing!
* Discipline is typically all about behavior, though it should be a process of teaching. Values and character are what it should be about.
* As parents, you MUST have a vision for what you want your children to be in the future. Are your energies spent investing in your children's secular achievements?? [Side note from me: This encouraged Ted and me as we evaluate what activities we want our kids to be involved in. Is it wrong for them to be in sports? No. But is it the BEST use of our time and money? At this point, probably not. Our job is training disciples for God's kingdom, not shuffling kids to and from practices. Since we do not feel a call in this area for any of our children, why make our lives busier and more stressful?]
* Children need to learn not all their problems can be solved. Let them take responsibility for their own problems--don't accept "I need help." As his mother told Dr. Rosemond as a child, "I figured this out; so can you."
* What percent of your time is spent in the role of father or mother? What percent of your time is spent in the role of husband or wife? Remember Genesis 2:24!! Set boundaries and make sure kids know your marriage is priority. They will be much happier, and so will you.
* Leadership parenting is a role, a matter of presentation. Claim the legitimacy of your authority. Act like you know what you're doing, where you're going, what you want, and what you expect it to happen!
* The mind of a child cannot understand the mind of an adult. We plant SEEDS of understanding, not understanding. Therefore...STOP EXPLAINING!!
* Kids are not going to suddenly say, "Oh, I see your point now, and I agree with you." There are only 6 explanations for saying no (listed below), and kids aren't going to like any of them. So just say, "If I were your age, I wouldn't agree with me either," and walk away! Here are the "explanations:"
1. You're not old enough.
2. You might get hurt.
3. There's not enough money.
4. There's not enough time.
5. We don't like those kids.
6. We don't believe in that.
Dr. Rosemond recommended putting each one on a slip of paper and sticking it in a jar, and when kids want an answer for why you're saying no to something, pick a slip of paper and read it! Soon enough they'll stop asking! (Yes, he was being facetious somewhat, but you have to know his personality and style to truly appreciate this. I personally loved it.)
So what do you do when you tell a child to do something and he doesn't do it? Here are his basic Rules for Consequences...or, Plan B.
1. Tell them ONCE. No nagging, no threatening, no repeating, no constant stream of talk. Tell them once, and walk away.
2. Do what you can when you can. Often immediate circumstances will not be optimal for giving a consequence, but you can bring it down later by describing the precipitating event. By age 3 kids can understand this, so consequences CAN be delayed.
3. Punishment should NEVER fit the crime. Nip it in the bud--don't tolerate it!
So, the example for these 3 rules: Mom tells Billy to pick up his toys because someone is coming over to meet with her and they need to use the room where Billy is playing. Mom says, "Billy, please pick up these toys. I'll be back in a few minutes to see that it's done." She leaves. Billy ignores her. Mom says nothing when she comes back and sees the toys aren't picked up. She calmly picks up the toys herself, has her meeting, and goes on with her day.
As Billy finishes eating later on at dinner time, Mom tells Billy, "Son, it's time to get ready for bed."
"What?!" Billy gasps. "It's only 6:30!"
"That's right. Your bedtime tonight is 6:30. In fact, your bedtime for the next 3 weeks is 6:30."
By now Billy is in utter shock.
Mom continues. "Earlier today I asked you to pick up your toys so the room would be clean for my meeting. You did not obey. Instead, I picked up your toys. As my reward for doing this work, I will enjoy 3 weeks of child-free evenings!"
So there you can see all 3 rules in action. :-)
Very Kevin Lehman, if you're familiar with any of his parenting books. Good stuff! It's always good to be reminded of how we should use our God-given authority!
Ted and I both attended two sessions with Dr. Rosemond as the speaker. If you are unfamiliar with this man, I highly recommend checking out his books. I started reading his weekly columns in the Dayton Daily News when we first lived in Ohio and was impressed by his no-nonsense approach to parenting. I wasn't sure at the time but wondered if he might be a Christian. He mentioned during one of the sessions that he became a Bible-believing Christian 10 years ago, so his words as a Christian psychologist carry more weight with me, especially since he says he retains his credentials as a psychologist in order to obtain credibility with parents--he pretty much feels that psychology is a bunch of hooey. :-)
Rather than try to reproduce his talks in written form, I'll just bullet my notes.
* "High self-esteem seizure" - This was his phrase for a temper tantrum. I just thought it was funny. :-)
* Children need love and leadership. Leadership is acting like you know what you're doing!
* Discipline is typically all about behavior, though it should be a process of teaching. Values and character are what it should be about.
* As parents, you MUST have a vision for what you want your children to be in the future. Are your energies spent investing in your children's secular achievements?? [Side note from me: This encouraged Ted and me as we evaluate what activities we want our kids to be involved in. Is it wrong for them to be in sports? No. But is it the BEST use of our time and money? At this point, probably not. Our job is training disciples for God's kingdom, not shuffling kids to and from practices. Since we do not feel a call in this area for any of our children, why make our lives busier and more stressful?]
* Children need to learn not all their problems can be solved. Let them take responsibility for their own problems--don't accept "I need help." As his mother told Dr. Rosemond as a child, "I figured this out; so can you."
* What percent of your time is spent in the role of father or mother? What percent of your time is spent in the role of husband or wife? Remember Genesis 2:24!! Set boundaries and make sure kids know your marriage is priority. They will be much happier, and so will you.
* Leadership parenting is a role, a matter of presentation. Claim the legitimacy of your authority. Act like you know what you're doing, where you're going, what you want, and what you expect it to happen!
* The mind of a child cannot understand the mind of an adult. We plant SEEDS of understanding, not understanding. Therefore...STOP EXPLAINING!!
* Kids are not going to suddenly say, "Oh, I see your point now, and I agree with you." There are only 6 explanations for saying no (listed below), and kids aren't going to like any of them. So just say, "If I were your age, I wouldn't agree with me either," and walk away! Here are the "explanations:"
1. You're not old enough.
2. You might get hurt.
3. There's not enough money.
4. There's not enough time.
5. We don't like those kids.
6. We don't believe in that.
Dr. Rosemond recommended putting each one on a slip of paper and sticking it in a jar, and when kids want an answer for why you're saying no to something, pick a slip of paper and read it! Soon enough they'll stop asking! (Yes, he was being facetious somewhat, but you have to know his personality and style to truly appreciate this. I personally loved it.)
So what do you do when you tell a child to do something and he doesn't do it? Here are his basic Rules for Consequences...or, Plan B.
1. Tell them ONCE. No nagging, no threatening, no repeating, no constant stream of talk. Tell them once, and walk away.
2. Do what you can when you can. Often immediate circumstances will not be optimal for giving a consequence, but you can bring it down later by describing the precipitating event. By age 3 kids can understand this, so consequences CAN be delayed.
3. Punishment should NEVER fit the crime. Nip it in the bud--don't tolerate it!
So, the example for these 3 rules: Mom tells Billy to pick up his toys because someone is coming over to meet with her and they need to use the room where Billy is playing. Mom says, "Billy, please pick up these toys. I'll be back in a few minutes to see that it's done." She leaves. Billy ignores her. Mom says nothing when she comes back and sees the toys aren't picked up. She calmly picks up the toys herself, has her meeting, and goes on with her day.
As Billy finishes eating later on at dinner time, Mom tells Billy, "Son, it's time to get ready for bed."
"What?!" Billy gasps. "It's only 6:30!"
"That's right. Your bedtime tonight is 6:30. In fact, your bedtime for the next 3 weeks is 6:30."
By now Billy is in utter shock.
Mom continues. "Earlier today I asked you to pick up your toys so the room would be clean for my meeting. You did not obey. Instead, I picked up your toys. As my reward for doing this work, I will enjoy 3 weeks of child-free evenings!"
So there you can see all 3 rules in action. :-)
Very Kevin Lehman, if you're familiar with any of his parenting books. Good stuff! It's always good to be reminded of how we should use our God-given authority!
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