Our firstborn is nearing double digits, and various circumstances were all pointing to the glaringly obvious: It was high time we sat down and had "The Talk." Though Charis and I had read a couple of (excellent) introductory books, and though I have breezily referenced the Birds and the Bees on necessary occasions, we hadn't actually gotten into much detail.
So I marked my planner for Saturday, October 9, nine days before her 10th birthday. A girls' day out was on the calendar (though around here a "day out" generally means I'm away from the house for maybe 3 hours), and Charis was excited to get Mom all to herself for a bit. We decided to do some hiking since it was a lovely fall day. I packed a few supplies in a backpack and we were off.
We spent awhile hiking some unfamiliar trails and enjoying the beautiful weather. Then we sat on a bench and started our discussion. I used some suggested wording from a great little booklet I borrowed from a friend called I Want to Teach My Child About Sex: An On-the-Go Guide for Busy Parents. I was thrilled (and relieved) that Charis didn't seem embarrassed or uncomfortable, and my theory is this: being proactive and getting a head start over the inundation the world will inevitably bring is a HUGE benefit to Christian families approaching this topic! I cannot tell you how pleased I was when I asked her, "What do your friends say about sex?" and she said, "Nothing--no one has ever said anything to me about this." Wow! Either our child is the most sheltered kid in the universe, or else we've let her pick the right friends, LOL. By her age I know I had at least encountered vague references to the issue--of all places--in my Christian elementary school!
So it really did take away any awkward feeling on my part to really feel as if I were truly the first to teach my daughter about this. (It also helped that Ted and I had been praying for a couple of days about this whole thing!) I am fervently in favor of introducing the topic to a child younger than one would normally feel "comfortable" doing so simply so you can beat the world to the punch, so to speak.
So anyway, we chatted for a little while, and then we read The Princess and the Kiss out loud together. I answered a few questions that Charis asked, and then we prayed together for her and for her future husband. It was a very sweet, very precious time together.
Later that night, after we had sent the rest of the kids to bed, Charis snuggled on the couch with Ted and me, and we read the first two chapters of What's the Big Deal?, which is the third book in the God's Design for Sex series. The first two books, The Story of Me and Before I Was Born, are the aforementioned resources I had read with Charis in recent years. (You can learn more about this series by reading this quick but thorough review, written by a homeschooling parent.) Charis and I will continue reading a chapter or so at a time together, but we felt it was important to begin with both parents reading aloud this play-style dialogue so that we can show our kids that they can come to either of us to talk about these issues. Once again, we closed our time with Charis by praying--all three of us prayed, and it was very sweet to hear her prayer for herself and for her future husband.
Whew! I'm patting ourselves on the back and thanking the Lord for a good introduction to this next phase of parenting. :-)
Showing posts with label Training in Righteousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Training in Righteousness. Show all posts
October 10, 2010
July 16, 2010
A Mother's Joy
"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth" (3 John 4).
Just before Charis left for camp, we found this message from her in our bathroom, which made my heart sing...
Just before Charis left for camp, we found this message from her in our bathroom, which made my heart sing...
April 18, 2010
Dr. John Rosemond at the Homeschool Convention
In a series of posts that may or may not be consecutive and that may or may not be finished before next month, I will attempt to share some of my notes from the homeschool convention in an effort to allow my brain to mull over the concepts again and, prayerfully, to be a blessing to any other parents who may be able to glean some nuggets of wisdom and encouragement on any of these topics.
Ted and I both attended two sessions with Dr. Rosemond as the speaker. If you are unfamiliar with this man, I highly recommend checking out his books. I started reading his weekly columns in the Dayton Daily News when we first lived in Ohio and was impressed by his no-nonsense approach to parenting. I wasn't sure at the time but wondered if he might be a Christian. He mentioned during one of the sessions that he became a Bible-believing Christian 10 years ago, so his words as a Christian psychologist carry more weight with me, especially since he says he retains his credentials as a psychologist in order to obtain credibility with parents--he pretty much feels that psychology is a bunch of hooey. :-)
Rather than try to reproduce his talks in written form, I'll just bullet my notes.
* "High self-esteem seizure" - This was his phrase for a temper tantrum. I just thought it was funny. :-)
* Children need love and leadership. Leadership is acting like you know what you're doing!
* Discipline is typically all about behavior, though it should be a process of teaching. Values and character are what it should be about.
* As parents, you MUST have a vision for what you want your children to be in the future. Are your energies spent investing in your children's secular achievements?? [Side note from me: This encouraged Ted and me as we evaluate what activities we want our kids to be involved in. Is it wrong for them to be in sports? No. But is it the BEST use of our time and money? At this point, probably not. Our job is training disciples for God's kingdom, not shuffling kids to and from practices. Since we do not feel a call in this area for any of our children, why make our lives busier and more stressful?]
* Children need to learn not all their problems can be solved. Let them take responsibility for their own problems--don't accept "I need help." As his mother told Dr. Rosemond as a child, "I figured this out; so can you."
* What percent of your time is spent in the role of father or mother? What percent of your time is spent in the role of husband or wife? Remember Genesis 2:24!! Set boundaries and make sure kids know your marriage is priority. They will be much happier, and so will you.
* Leadership parenting is a role, a matter of presentation. Claim the legitimacy of your authority. Act like you know what you're doing, where you're going, what you want, and what you expect it to happen!
* The mind of a child cannot understand the mind of an adult. We plant SEEDS of understanding, not understanding. Therefore...STOP EXPLAINING!!
* Kids are not going to suddenly say, "Oh, I see your point now, and I agree with you." There are only 6 explanations for saying no (listed below), and kids aren't going to like any of them. So just say, "If I were your age, I wouldn't agree with me either," and walk away! Here are the "explanations:"
1. You're not old enough.
2. You might get hurt.
3. There's not enough money.
4. There's not enough time.
5. We don't like those kids.
6. We don't believe in that.
Dr. Rosemond recommended putting each one on a slip of paper and sticking it in a jar, and when kids want an answer for why you're saying no to something, pick a slip of paper and read it! Soon enough they'll stop asking! (Yes, he was being facetious somewhat, but you have to know his personality and style to truly appreciate this. I personally loved it.)
So what do you do when you tell a child to do something and he doesn't do it? Here are his basic Rules for Consequences...or, Plan B.
1. Tell them ONCE. No nagging, no threatening, no repeating, no constant stream of talk. Tell them once, and walk away.
2. Do what you can when you can. Often immediate circumstances will not be optimal for giving a consequence, but you can bring it down later by describing the precipitating event. By age 3 kids can understand this, so consequences CAN be delayed.
3. Punishment should NEVER fit the crime. Nip it in the bud--don't tolerate it!
So, the example for these 3 rules: Mom tells Billy to pick up his toys because someone is coming over to meet with her and they need to use the room where Billy is playing. Mom says, "Billy, please pick up these toys. I'll be back in a few minutes to see that it's done." She leaves. Billy ignores her. Mom says nothing when she comes back and sees the toys aren't picked up. She calmly picks up the toys herself, has her meeting, and goes on with her day.
As Billy finishes eating later on at dinner time, Mom tells Billy, "Son, it's time to get ready for bed."
"What?!" Billy gasps. "It's only 6:30!"
"That's right. Your bedtime tonight is 6:30. In fact, your bedtime for the next 3 weeks is 6:30."
By now Billy is in utter shock.
Mom continues. "Earlier today I asked you to pick up your toys so the room would be clean for my meeting. You did not obey. Instead, I picked up your toys. As my reward for doing this work, I will enjoy 3 weeks of child-free evenings!"
So there you can see all 3 rules in action. :-)
Very Kevin Lehman, if you're familiar with any of his parenting books. Good stuff! It's always good to be reminded of how we should use our God-given authority!
Ted and I both attended two sessions with Dr. Rosemond as the speaker. If you are unfamiliar with this man, I highly recommend checking out his books. I started reading his weekly columns in the Dayton Daily News when we first lived in Ohio and was impressed by his no-nonsense approach to parenting. I wasn't sure at the time but wondered if he might be a Christian. He mentioned during one of the sessions that he became a Bible-believing Christian 10 years ago, so his words as a Christian psychologist carry more weight with me, especially since he says he retains his credentials as a psychologist in order to obtain credibility with parents--he pretty much feels that psychology is a bunch of hooey. :-)
Rather than try to reproduce his talks in written form, I'll just bullet my notes.
* "High self-esteem seizure" - This was his phrase for a temper tantrum. I just thought it was funny. :-)
* Children need love and leadership. Leadership is acting like you know what you're doing!
* Discipline is typically all about behavior, though it should be a process of teaching. Values and character are what it should be about.
* As parents, you MUST have a vision for what you want your children to be in the future. Are your energies spent investing in your children's secular achievements?? [Side note from me: This encouraged Ted and me as we evaluate what activities we want our kids to be involved in. Is it wrong for them to be in sports? No. But is it the BEST use of our time and money? At this point, probably not. Our job is training disciples for God's kingdom, not shuffling kids to and from practices. Since we do not feel a call in this area for any of our children, why make our lives busier and more stressful?]
* Children need to learn not all their problems can be solved. Let them take responsibility for their own problems--don't accept "I need help." As his mother told Dr. Rosemond as a child, "I figured this out; so can you."
* What percent of your time is spent in the role of father or mother? What percent of your time is spent in the role of husband or wife? Remember Genesis 2:24!! Set boundaries and make sure kids know your marriage is priority. They will be much happier, and so will you.
* Leadership parenting is a role, a matter of presentation. Claim the legitimacy of your authority. Act like you know what you're doing, where you're going, what you want, and what you expect it to happen!
* The mind of a child cannot understand the mind of an adult. We plant SEEDS of understanding, not understanding. Therefore...STOP EXPLAINING!!
* Kids are not going to suddenly say, "Oh, I see your point now, and I agree with you." There are only 6 explanations for saying no (listed below), and kids aren't going to like any of them. So just say, "If I were your age, I wouldn't agree with me either," and walk away! Here are the "explanations:"
1. You're not old enough.
2. You might get hurt.
3. There's not enough money.
4. There's not enough time.
5. We don't like those kids.
6. We don't believe in that.
Dr. Rosemond recommended putting each one on a slip of paper and sticking it in a jar, and when kids want an answer for why you're saying no to something, pick a slip of paper and read it! Soon enough they'll stop asking! (Yes, he was being facetious somewhat, but you have to know his personality and style to truly appreciate this. I personally loved it.)
So what do you do when you tell a child to do something and he doesn't do it? Here are his basic Rules for Consequences...or, Plan B.
1. Tell them ONCE. No nagging, no threatening, no repeating, no constant stream of talk. Tell them once, and walk away.
2. Do what you can when you can. Often immediate circumstances will not be optimal for giving a consequence, but you can bring it down later by describing the precipitating event. By age 3 kids can understand this, so consequences CAN be delayed.
3. Punishment should NEVER fit the crime. Nip it in the bud--don't tolerate it!
So, the example for these 3 rules: Mom tells Billy to pick up his toys because someone is coming over to meet with her and they need to use the room where Billy is playing. Mom says, "Billy, please pick up these toys. I'll be back in a few minutes to see that it's done." She leaves. Billy ignores her. Mom says nothing when she comes back and sees the toys aren't picked up. She calmly picks up the toys herself, has her meeting, and goes on with her day.
As Billy finishes eating later on at dinner time, Mom tells Billy, "Son, it's time to get ready for bed."
"What?!" Billy gasps. "It's only 6:30!"
"That's right. Your bedtime tonight is 6:30. In fact, your bedtime for the next 3 weeks is 6:30."
By now Billy is in utter shock.
Mom continues. "Earlier today I asked you to pick up your toys so the room would be clean for my meeting. You did not obey. Instead, I picked up your toys. As my reward for doing this work, I will enjoy 3 weeks of child-free evenings!"
So there you can see all 3 rules in action. :-)
Very Kevin Lehman, if you're familiar with any of his parenting books. Good stuff! It's always good to be reminded of how we should use our God-given authority!
March 24, 2010
A Toot for Tobin's Horn
It dawned on me after my last post that I really should make more effort to notice and applaud the spiritual growth of my children in the same way I recognize their academic achievements. After all, that is one of the major reasons we homeschool, right?! Sometimes it seems that growth is so s-l-o-w and nearly unnoticeable, until all of a sudden we realize, wow, that has not been an issue in a long time!
Since Tobin is often the, ah, challenging child in our family, it is high time I share some positive choices I've seen him make recently. Just before Ted's TDY Tobin came home from a neighbor's house in tears. His story was that one of the boys (there were a number of them playing together) had thrown a toy at him, and it hit Tobin in the head. Sure enough, he had a mark. (And two days later there were still two coin-sized bruises on his forehead.) I asked what else had happened, and he just shook his head and got his book to read. I usually take what Tobin tells me with a grain of salt, knowing he is often the instigator, and assumed that there was more to the story than he was telling me.
So two days later when he asked to play with the boys again, I let him go, assuming that since he had apparently forgotten the incident, hopefully things would be smoothed over. He returned shortly in tears again, saying that one of the moms told Tobin he could not play there since this other kid was there also. I drew the whole story out of Tobin of just what had happened previously, and it went something like this.
O.K. ("Other Kid") called Tobin a name during a game they were playing. (The name was "Stupid Sobin.") Tobin naturally got angry and promptly called O.K. the feminine version of his name (i.e. added "elle" to the end of an -el name). O.K. got angry and threw the toy at Tobin that caused the bruising. Tobin lost it, chased O.K. around the room until O.K. ran outside, and then Tobin locked the door so he couldn't come back inside. The rest of the boys turned on Tobin and told the adult in charge that Tobin had locked O.K. out of the house, and Tobin was sent home. (I'm not sure why Tobin didn't mention the welts on his head--I think in his shoes, I would have wanted to make sure it was clear that I wasn't the only one at fault!)
Arden later vouched for this story, and I also heard from a different mom that it does seem the other boys in the neighborhood tend to gang up on Tobin and pick on him. Plus, Tobin and O.K. are like oil and water, and though Tobin says O.K. is one of his "best friends," I have my doubts about the mutuality of that sentiment.
So, anyway, in my mind O.K. definitely started the tiff, but Tobin obviously played a role in the whole thing. When Tobin was sent home this second time, he was ready to head to another friend's house instead. I said I thought maybe he should consider how he could make things right with O.K. He thought about it and came up with the idea of writing an apology letter. He did so all on his own and brought it to me. It was a sweet letter that asked for forgiveness right off the bat, then launched into a list of all the fun things he hoped he could do with O.K. I approved it (although I did suggest that he actually write the words "I'm sorry" on there somewhere, LOL), and then we prayed together that O.K. would accept the apology and that God would be glorified as Tobin did his best to make things right. Off Tobin went to deliver the letter.
O.K. received the letter well and invited Tobin to play with him and the other boys, and they spent the afternoon happily playing together. When Tobin came home, I asked for a report, and he told me all had gone well. I asked if O.K. had apologized to him (since he had, after all, caused Tobin bodily harm!), and Tobin's response was amazing: "No, he didn't, but that's OK, because he doesn't go to church."
Somehow Tobin realizes that having God in his life makes him different, and he was willing to show grace to a kid who doesn't understand why our family thinks it's important to confess our wrongs and ask for forgiveness. I was blown away, and SO proud of my son!
After this incident, I started actually paying more attention to Tobin's actions and responses. Ted left for Mississippi (or, as Kenna calls it, "Mitsi-pippi"), and I have to admit that Tobin was really a huge help during his absence. Typically I lean on Charis a little to help things go smoothly--she cares so well for the little ones and can be depended on to do anything you ask her. But Tobin was the one who stayed in from playing one afternoon to help me put the house back in order when it was an absolute disaster, and Tobin was the one to give me back scratches and extra "I love you, Mom"s and "Thanks for dinner" sentiments when he knew I was feeling frustrated and unappreciated. I'm thankful for the opportunity to see my often headstrong boy in a different light, and I praise God for working in his heart even on days when I wonder whether any abstract thought will seep into that concrete head.
And one final thing to note...after I came home from a long day running a big stamp camp, I found this on the counter. You can click on the image to see it enlarged and should be able to read the sweet note Tobin wrote. The reason this is so spectacular is that he NEVER does stuff like this! Arden has always been my bring-Mom-flowers boy, picking dandelions and anything else that resembles a flower and bringing them to me with a sweet, "Here, Mom! I got this for you!" So the rarity of such an occurrence makes this especially endearing.
Since Tobin is often the, ah, challenging child in our family, it is high time I share some positive choices I've seen him make recently. Just before Ted's TDY Tobin came home from a neighbor's house in tears. His story was that one of the boys (there were a number of them playing together) had thrown a toy at him, and it hit Tobin in the head. Sure enough, he had a mark. (And two days later there were still two coin-sized bruises on his forehead.) I asked what else had happened, and he just shook his head and got his book to read. I usually take what Tobin tells me with a grain of salt, knowing he is often the instigator, and assumed that there was more to the story than he was telling me.
So two days later when he asked to play with the boys again, I let him go, assuming that since he had apparently forgotten the incident, hopefully things would be smoothed over. He returned shortly in tears again, saying that one of the moms told Tobin he could not play there since this other kid was there also. I drew the whole story out of Tobin of just what had happened previously, and it went something like this.
O.K. ("Other Kid") called Tobin a name during a game they were playing. (The name was "Stupid Sobin.") Tobin naturally got angry and promptly called O.K. the feminine version of his name (i.e. added "elle" to the end of an -el name). O.K. got angry and threw the toy at Tobin that caused the bruising. Tobin lost it, chased O.K. around the room until O.K. ran outside, and then Tobin locked the door so he couldn't come back inside. The rest of the boys turned on Tobin and told the adult in charge that Tobin had locked O.K. out of the house, and Tobin was sent home. (I'm not sure why Tobin didn't mention the welts on his head--I think in his shoes, I would have wanted to make sure it was clear that I wasn't the only one at fault!)
Arden later vouched for this story, and I also heard from a different mom that it does seem the other boys in the neighborhood tend to gang up on Tobin and pick on him. Plus, Tobin and O.K. are like oil and water, and though Tobin says O.K. is one of his "best friends," I have my doubts about the mutuality of that sentiment.
So, anyway, in my mind O.K. definitely started the tiff, but Tobin obviously played a role in the whole thing. When Tobin was sent home this second time, he was ready to head to another friend's house instead. I said I thought maybe he should consider how he could make things right with O.K. He thought about it and came up with the idea of writing an apology letter. He did so all on his own and brought it to me. It was a sweet letter that asked for forgiveness right off the bat, then launched into a list of all the fun things he hoped he could do with O.K. I approved it (although I did suggest that he actually write the words "I'm sorry" on there somewhere, LOL), and then we prayed together that O.K. would accept the apology and that God would be glorified as Tobin did his best to make things right. Off Tobin went to deliver the letter.
O.K. received the letter well and invited Tobin to play with him and the other boys, and they spent the afternoon happily playing together. When Tobin came home, I asked for a report, and he told me all had gone well. I asked if O.K. had apologized to him (since he had, after all, caused Tobin bodily harm!), and Tobin's response was amazing: "No, he didn't, but that's OK, because he doesn't go to church."
Somehow Tobin realizes that having God in his life makes him different, and he was willing to show grace to a kid who doesn't understand why our family thinks it's important to confess our wrongs and ask for forgiveness. I was blown away, and SO proud of my son!
After this incident, I started actually paying more attention to Tobin's actions and responses. Ted left for Mississippi (or, as Kenna calls it, "Mitsi-pippi"), and I have to admit that Tobin was really a huge help during his absence. Typically I lean on Charis a little to help things go smoothly--she cares so well for the little ones and can be depended on to do anything you ask her. But Tobin was the one who stayed in from playing one afternoon to help me put the house back in order when it was an absolute disaster, and Tobin was the one to give me back scratches and extra "I love you, Mom"s and "Thanks for dinner" sentiments when he knew I was feeling frustrated and unappreciated. I'm thankful for the opportunity to see my often headstrong boy in a different light, and I praise God for working in his heart even on days when I wonder whether any abstract thought will seep into that concrete head.
And one final thing to note...after I came home from a long day running a big stamp camp, I found this on the counter. You can click on the image to see it enlarged and should be able to read the sweet note Tobin wrote. The reason this is so spectacular is that he NEVER does stuff like this! Arden has always been my bring-Mom-flowers boy, picking dandelions and anything else that resembles a flower and bringing them to me with a sweet, "Here, Mom! I got this for you!" So the rarity of such an occurrence makes this especially endearing.
March 22, 2010
They CAN Be Taught!!
I have to post this before I forget. It's clean-up time around here, and as I work in the kitchen and Ted bathes the little ones, the older three are responsible for general cleaning. Tobin was doing something to purposely annoy Charis, who was in the kitchen with me, and I was in the process of calling out his name to send him on his way to clean.
Charis turned to me quickly and said in a low voice, "It's OK, Mama. I'm trying to have patience with Tobin, and the more he annoys me, the more I can practice."
Oh, sweet Lord Jesus! If my heart is singing at these words, how must your heart rejoice also!!
Charis turned to me quickly and said in a low voice, "It's OK, Mama. I'm trying to have patience with Tobin, and the more he annoys me, the more I can practice."
Oh, sweet Lord Jesus! If my heart is singing at these words, how must your heart rejoice also!!
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